This year I found parts of my soul that have been scattered around the world and under my bed and deep within my heart - things I could not unlock or find until now.
I found part of it in quitting my job. It was a stirring - a question I had to answer with only one possible outcome. I followed it to Utah, where I had never felt so full with so little.
(Song: “Mirrors” by Justin Timberlake)
I found the part that loved people, that wanted to look everybody in the eye and ask them for a story. It took me across the country to make new friends and embark on adventures with people I didn’t always know so well. I learned that we will all adapt. We can all communicate. I learned that seeing people you haven’t talked to in five years can get a little getting used to, but only for a few minutes. Talking is talking. We once knew each other so well. Nothing has changed.
(Movie: Frances Ha)
I found the road, and the way that I feel when I’m on the road, alone. The Interstate Highway System has my back. My Honda Civic has my back. I found that I like to teach and talk to high schoolers. At one point, my greatest fear would have been to stand in front of a room or even a small group and deliver instructions and advice and any sort of authority. The authority has yet to arrive, I think, but I can do the former.
Friends. And him. And my family. Part of my soul was stretched across hospitals and doctor’s offices.
(Writers: Wallace Stegner/Nicholson Baker)
What was unlocked was an unflinching familiarity with myself and those close to me. It is harder to tell tall tales about myself with the more information I gather. The game is up; the excuses are no longer acceptable.
I lost a lot, too. I am lonely on so many days. The house is empty. I wonder if I am slowly going crazy. But I have ways to combat that. I have places to escape; I’ve got love all around me.
"Finding Is Losing Something Else"
Finding is losing something else.
I think about, perhaps even mourn,
what I lost to find this.
- Richard Brautigan